Feargal Sharkey's hair still not allowed in Derry

Former Undertones front man and UK Music head Feargal Sharkey has been issued a reminder of a long standing threat that his feathered hair from 80's music video 'A Good Heart' is still not welcome within the City of Derry.

Glorious locks too much for Derry

The reminder was delivered to the University of Ulster Magee campus where it was mistakenly delivered to the College of Beauty and Hairdressers who have taken it along with a recently discovered Donna Summer EP as inspiration for a new style beyond flat-caps, Beatlemania haircuts, and Aran jumpers.

Bogside resident and spokesperson for the local resident's coalition Pol Coire gave the following statement to WNN, "It's nothing agin Feargal like, he's a daycent lad and his music wasn't complete keek. But the hair in that video was woeful like, I've seen better hanging off a Shipquay hoor's fanny. And we the residents of Free Derry don't want to see it about the place, it'll give us a bad image."

Artist's impression of a Shipquay hoor.

Mr Sharkey was unavailable for comment at the time of going to press but is said to be happy with the news that his 'Good Heart Hair' is making a resurgence around Magee as Derry finally enters the 80's.

Malone Road to be inoculated against poor people

BREAKING NEWS

The Chief Medical Officer of Northern Ireland, Dr Michael McBride, has today announced a vaccination scheme in order to inoculate the Malone Road against poor people.

The scheme already being piloted in Hillsborough.

"It's much like when the global effort was made in the late 60's to eradicate smallpox, so too today we are making a concerted effort to wipe out this modern blight," Dr McBride stated at a press conference, "the Malone Road is under threat and if we don't act now we may loose it to skips full of old mattresses and people selling the Big Issue."

From literature made available to associated press the first stage of the inoculation program will involve a limit placed on the number of 'lower quality' cars allowed into the area, a number which over time will be reduced until eventually only high end BMWs and upwards will be allowed in.

Rover 25, one of many cars to be excluded from Malone Road.

Stage two will involve a blood test at a private clinic to see if the individual has any 'poor people genes', an assumption based on what we presume to be Victorian era genetic science.

Lastly, residents of the area will be required to wear name badges similar to radiation tags fitted with a special colour card that changes from green to red when within 20 yards of someone with less than £500,000 net worth.

"This is an important step to ensure the continued health of Belfast City," Dr McBride continued, "it is but a small part of a larger health program began last year when we started shooting foreign nationals with tranquilizer darts and tagging them before releasing them back into the wild."

U2 lead singer Bono has praised Belfast City Council for their efforts to help make poverty extinct.

Bono- supports this initiative.

Orange Order to sue Midway Games

The Grand Lodge of Ireland have filed a class action lawsuit against Netherrealm Studios, of Chicago, Illinois for copyright infringement.

Theft of intellectual property?

Netherrealm Studios, owned by Time Warner, formerly traded as Midway Games until filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection in 2009 when the company was bought by Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment for $33 million plus receivables.

The dispute arises over Midway Games popular franchise 'Mortal Kombat', at term that the Order claims is steeped in Orange history and has been used without expressed permission of the Order.

A celebration of Mortal Kombat in Portadown.

"The Orange Order has for years suffered the blatant misuse of our intellectual property by this games company," said Edward Stevenson, Grand Master of Ireland, "however we can no longer stand by and allow the term to be associated with video game violence."

When asked if he preferred that the term be associated with violence against Catholics Mr Stevenson replied, "Don't be stupid. This is about preserving our history and heritage, and yes that did at a time involve a certain degree of violence against Catholics, but they started it. The term was first shouted by the Peep O' Day Boys at the glorious Battle of the Diamond that was instrumental in the formation of the Orange Order, it has been a part of our heritage since the very inception of Orangeism."

Mr Stevenson went on to add, "Even look at some of the characters in the game and tell me that they aren't loosely based on the Orangemen of old, one of them even looks to be wearing a sash."

One of the characters claimed to be based on early Orangemen.

The 'Battle of the Diamond' is conflict disputed by contemporary sources but nonetheless involved gunfire and a few deaths. And then they all went to the pub.

Some historian's believe that the term 'Mortal Kombat' originates from King William of Orange himself, as the 'K' instead of a 'C' in Kombat would seem to indicate a continental lilt, and that the term may have been called by the Duke of Schomberg as his forces crossed the Boyne at Oldbridge.

The earliest example of Mortal Kombat?

The Order's case will be heard in Chicago Supreme Court in April.

Cripplingly ugly people to be given Ferraris on Motability Scheme

In a recent announcement from the Department of Health and Social Services the cripplingly ugly of Northern Ireland are to be provided with Ferraris on the Motability Scheme.

Now available from your local DHSS office.

A recent study by the British Journal of Psychology has shown that whilst men are largely indifferent as to what kind a vehicle a woman drives so long as she is marginally attractive, a woman's opinion of a man will rise significantly if he has a nice car.

Hundreds of passers-by in Cardiff city centre were asked to rate the attractiveness of a young man or woman portrayed in a photograph sitting in a car. Male participants all rated the same woman, and female participants all rated the same man. Crucially, half the participants saw the man or woman sat at the wheel of a Ford Fiesta whilst the other half saw the man or woman sat at the wheel of a Bentley Continental (worth a cool £75000, approximately, at the time of testing).

Even Steve Buscemi would get a jump in a Ferrari.

Pilot research had established that, against a blank background, the photographed man and woman were perceived as equally attractive by the opposite sex (both scoring approximately mid-way on an attractiveness scale) and also that male and female participants didn't differ from each other in the aesthetic ratings they gave to the two models of car. The stand out message from the research proper, however, is that the man was rated as significantly more attractive when he was seen sat in the Bentley rather than the Fiesta, whereas the woman's perceived attractiveness was unaffected by the car she happened to be sitting in. Of course, Fiestas are not commonly known for their sex appeal.

Only the raw sex appeal of Jay Leno is immune to the Fiesta.

This finding appears to support prior research showing that in cultures all round the world, heterosexual women are attracted to men with greater status and resources, whereas heterosexual men tend to be attracted to women who appear youthful and fertile... apparently science felt the need to explain this.

Health Minister Michael McGimpsey explains his department's move to WNN:

"By and large the people of Northern Ireland aren't pretty. I myself look in the mirror every morning and think to myself that someone up above must really have a grudge against me. It's just by sheer dumb luck coupled with startling ingenuity that we have managed to survive this long, and therein lies the problem. Some of our brightest minds have a face only a mother could love, and then only from a distance, and unfortunately are being driven from the gene pool in favour of more attractive but cripplingly stupid idiots. It is with this in mind that my department has come up with this scheme to help keep our learned mongoloids breeding."

The department presented us with plenty of literature to explain the move to place the hideous on the disabled driver scheme, we've pulled the following example to help best explain their intentions:

Typical man on the street.

The same man, next to a Ferrari.

It remains to be seen whether or not this will help the breeding prospects of our cripplingly ugly, but we have no doubt that this will provide ample opportunity for the Stephen Nolan Show to get folk wound in a furore about something.

Lurgan security threat foiled

Lurgan Town Center, still not blown up.

Security forces were on high alert on Monday morning as yet another security alert was issued for Lurgan.

Army bomb disposal experts rushed to the scene when a dissident threat was called in from Portadown KFC, where a duty manager discovered plans for a bombing campaign scribbled on the back of a napkin.

"It was really frightening," said the slightly greasy employee who wished to remain anonymous, "these 4 fellas in bomber jackets were in having a bargain bucket and laughing and carrying on. It was only when I went to clean up after them that I saw that they had doodled intricate plans for an assault on Lurgan. I thought 'Jesus Jimmy, you should call the peelers', so I did."

Lurgan has a long history of being a target for security alerts from both sections of the community. Politicians believe that it's because some people really, really, don't like Lurgan. PSNI officers believe it's because they live in the area and Ulsterbus don't run a nighttime service to better targets.

Recent Twelfth July celebrations in Lurgan.

The Monday Security Alert is fast becoming a celebrated past time in Lurgan, culminating in the annual 'Super Alert' when Orangemen and Nationalists converge on Lurgan town in celebration of the Northern Ireland heritage of fighting.

This threat however was part of a more aggressive campaign by Republican Dissidents who feel that the failed Provisional IRA bombing campaign that crippled public life and international perception of Northern Ireland would somehow be more successful in a rematch. Sinn Fein have urged the dissidents to embrace a political approach, to win hearts and minds and ultimately try to make the country work first, the dissident response has been something along the lines of a raised middle finger.

Thanks to lax security around KFC we at the WNN can bring to you exclusively scans of the terrifying bomb plot that was only just averted:

The weapon is left in place in Lurgan town center.

The weapon detonates without warning.

British withdrawal.

United Ireland happens.

Terrifying stuff. We'll keep you abreast of any further developments.

Nolan Show bombarded by calls about something being a disgrace

A Nolan Show intern passed out from exhaustion.

Northern Ireland's number 1 comedy program, The Stephen Nolan Show was bombarded this week by callers finding an article of content a 'disgrace' and that it was 'terrible that those people involved in doing that thing should be ashamed and/or locked up'.

"The people of Northern Ireland have had enough of... umm, this sort of... thing," said a caller who wished to remain anonymous, "it was probably something to do with them one's on the 'other' side." 

The Nolan Show is famous for it's controversial brand of comedy and frequently gets the unemployed/unemployable of Northern Ireland riled into a state of increased volume and general annoyance.

A protest about water rates in Dunmurry.

Stephen Nolan was unavailable to comment at this time as he was believed to be next in the queue at Burger King.