Lurgan security threat foiled

Lurgan Town Center, still not blown up.

Security forces were on high alert on Monday morning as yet another security alert was issued for Lurgan.

Army bomb disposal experts rushed to the scene when a dissident threat was called in from Portadown KFC, where a duty manager discovered plans for a bombing campaign scribbled on the back of a napkin.

"It was really frightening," said the slightly greasy employee who wished to remain anonymous, "these 4 fellas in bomber jackets were in having a bargain bucket and laughing and carrying on. It was only when I went to clean up after them that I saw that they had doodled intricate plans for an assault on Lurgan. I thought 'Jesus Jimmy, you should call the peelers', so I did."

Lurgan has a long history of being a target for security alerts from both sections of the community. Politicians believe that it's because some people really, really, don't like Lurgan. PSNI officers believe it's because they live in the area and Ulsterbus don't run a nighttime service to better targets.

Recent Twelfth July celebrations in Lurgan.

The Monday Security Alert is fast becoming a celebrated past time in Lurgan, culminating in the annual 'Super Alert' when Orangemen and Nationalists converge on Lurgan town in celebration of the Northern Ireland heritage of fighting.

This threat however was part of a more aggressive campaign by Republican Dissidents who feel that the failed Provisional IRA bombing campaign that crippled public life and international perception of Northern Ireland would somehow be more successful in a rematch. Sinn Fein have urged the dissidents to embrace a political approach, to win hearts and minds and ultimately try to make the country work first, the dissident response has been something along the lines of a raised middle finger.

Thanks to lax security around KFC we at the WNN can bring to you exclusively scans of the terrifying bomb plot that was only just averted:

The weapon is left in place in Lurgan town center.

The weapon detonates without warning.

British withdrawal.

United Ireland happens.

Terrifying stuff. We'll keep you abreast of any further developments.

Nolan Show bombarded by calls about something being a disgrace

A Nolan Show intern passed out from exhaustion.

Northern Ireland's number 1 comedy program, The Stephen Nolan Show was bombarded this week by callers finding an article of content a 'disgrace' and that it was 'terrible that those people involved in doing that thing should be ashamed and/or locked up'.

"The people of Northern Ireland have had enough of... umm, this sort of... thing," said a caller who wished to remain anonymous, "it was probably something to do with them one's on the 'other' side." 

The Nolan Show is famous for it's controversial brand of comedy and frequently gets the unemployed/unemployable of Northern Ireland riled into a state of increased volume and general annoyance.

A protest about water rates in Dunmurry.

Stephen Nolan was unavailable to comment at this time as he was believed to be next in the queue at Burger King.